Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
