Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm both gender and math confused
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
