I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
