i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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