Got a toothbrush?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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