the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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