I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
