Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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