He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
