it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
