you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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