I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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