Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
