"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
