for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
me + whiskey = a bad person
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
