He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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