I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
