I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
