Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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