just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I would ride that face into the sunset
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
