I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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