Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.