barbara walters just said penis...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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