He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
