oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I still have a little drunk in my system
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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