Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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