The maid of honor just puked.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
