I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
