I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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