Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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