I have demons in me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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