you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
