I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
