I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
