you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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