she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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