The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just found puke in my bra..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
