my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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