I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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