The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
