we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
