she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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