the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
