Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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