You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
