Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
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