you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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