Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
