Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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