Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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