I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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