I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah