i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Acid is not a monday night drug
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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